


(It´s okay) if you don´t remember

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Series: Can I change our future? [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends, Clexa, Drunken Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional distraction, F/F, Friendship/Love, Octaven, Partying, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-07 05:45:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7702879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We've talked about this since we were kids, Clarke".<br/>"I know, but I... I don't want to lose you girls", Clarke answered, her eyes now wandering off, far away from Lexa and their joined hands. "I can't lose you".<br/>The green eyed girl scoffed. "You wouldn't even if you tried".<br/>"It's not a joke, Lex".<br/>"I understand", Lexa then said, her stomach still flipping after what the blonde just said. She squeezed the blonde's hand gently. "You'll never lose me, I promise".</p><p>*****</p><p>A story about loving someone and living with the assumption that you can never tell anyone about that love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tuesday

Some things should never be spoken out loud. Not even put into words. Like, notching a very uncomfortably put stain on your teacher's pants. Or, that it's your fault that whitewash turned slightly discoloured because you happened to put a striped sock with all the white. Though, there's that _one_ thing you should never tell anybody. You should never tell that you're fallen in love. At least not when the person you've fallen for happens to be your lifelong best friend who knows you better than the inside on their hand. In theory that sounds easy, or on the other end completely unnecessary. If they're your best friend you should be able to tell them anything, even this. It's only when you're out it that boat that the sea seems rough and life threatening.

Lexa Woods could testify to that.

She remembers the day that bubbly feeling in her stomach suddenly exploded. It was a rainy Thursday, three days after Clarke's fourteenth birthday. The two girls were sprawled across Clarke's double bed, their eyes turned up to the ceiling and the slightly faded stars above them. Jake painted them when the blonde girl was merely a baby as a clever way of transferring his interest in space onto his daughter at an early age. If only he'd known that those stars sparked the girl imagination rather than an interest for the unknown. Lexa remembers that day as clear as ever, the sound of the rain hitting the window and the warmth radiating from Clarke's body when their arms touched, all of it is imprinted on Lexa's mind. Clearest of all, the moment blonde turned her face to the green eyed girl, eyes falling shut and breath heavy with sleep. Lexa has watched the other girl sleep countless of times, this time was no different. Still, something clicked into place as she observed Clarke's calm features and the way her lip twitched in her deep sleep. When she saw those eyelids that hid the most beautiful blue eyes she'd ever laid eyes on twitch, Lexa wondered for the very first time if it was her that Clarke was dreaming about.

The realization hit her like a shot to the chest.

She had fallen in love with Clarke Griffin. Her _best friend_.

Ever since that day Lexa have had a hard time getting the blonde out of her head. Years have gone past, girlfriends, boyfriends, all kinds of friends and people have gone through their lives. Through it all it has been the two of them. Lexa and Clarke. 

The first time Clarke told Lexa she thought she liked girls, Lexa almost fainted right there and then. Her heart jumped high in her chest, but was quickly consumed by that quivering fear she'd known since the moment she realized what she felt for the blonde. She believed that she could never tell, never let on about her feelings, or she'd lose her lifelong friend. Her _soulmate_. Some time after they went to a party of one of their classmates and Lexa shared her first kiss with a girl named Raina. She was fourteen and the taste of cherry coke on the brown haired girl's lips made her sick to her stomach, or rather the aching feeling in her gut did. The morning after she told Clarke what has happened and when Clarke asked if she was gay, the only answer Lexa wanted to give her was ‘since the day I met you’. Instead of telling the truth she only hummed and hid her face onto the pillow.

Clarke laid down behind her, snuggled up to her back and held her taught in the belief that the sniffling sounds coming from the green eyed girl were caused by this new realization. But Lexa wasn't crying because of the fact that she was gay, she has never done that. She cried out of fear. However the smell of Clarke's apples scented shampoo settled her stomach, or really, Clarke made all of her settle again.

As the years went on that aching feeling only grew and Lexa got used to her stomach turning.

Lexa dated girl after girl, exchanged blue ocean eyes to earth brown and sky gray. She would run her hands through black, auburn and platinum coloured hair, desperately trying not to miss the feeling of silky blonde curls in between her fingers. She managed to create quite a reputation for herself, an unflattering one according to many, a welcomed one by her. She never treated any girl badly, no matter what she was truthful and brutally honest. She never once allowed the girl she was dating at the time to believe that it was love. Every ‘love’ she had was mere distraction.

Lexa's longest relationship lasted a year and seven months. She didn't mean to let it go on for that long, but _Costia_ was… she was different. 

Costia was kind, good hearted, gentle and fierce. She could put Lexa in her place and always offered one by her side. They didn't have much in common, Lexa being caught up in every sport available and Costia being the perfect score. The only thing they had in common was the fact that they were desperately trying to escape themselves. A month into their relationship, around the time Lexa would end it, Costia had a meltdown after a nasty fallout with her parents and told Lexa all about their big plans for her future. Apparently Lexa was Costia´s own distraction, from all the pressure that had been put on her. Lexa was familiar with that pressure as well, but it had never been a cause of stress. Rather motivation. From the outside they seemed to be the perfect couple, just like they wanted people to think. However, both girls knew that their situation would unavoidably change sooner rather than later. 

Costia was the perfect distraction right up until the day she graduated. Leaving Lexa to face senior year all on her own.

As they were approaching Christmas and the end of another semester Lexa could feel a restlessness grow inside of her. It was a unwelcomed stream of light pulsating from inside of her chest. Maybe it had always been there, suppressed by everything around her, and when she finally had a moment when there was no one waiting for her call or expecting her to pay attention to them that light could shine through.

The light had become increasingly harder to ignore, to the point which Lexa couldn't think of anything other than the cause of that light - _Clarke_.

//

Three girls were sat in an empty hallway in between fourth and fifth period awaiting their classes to start. It was a gloomy December day and neither of them were in the mood for anything other than coffee and snuggling up under a pile of blankets. Preferably drowsing off with a stupid old rom com playing in the background. The blonde who had been sat in the middle of the bench got up, driven up from her seat by a stiffness in her legs - the result of that morning's run. She stretched out her back before leaning back against the wall opposite to the other girls. Her movements were watched quietly, intensely, by a pair of emerald green eyes, but those same eyes quickly turned to the screen in the hands below them once the blonde looked up. The third girl, one with hair dark as night, hands rugged and face soft, let her own gaze wander off into the distance. 

It was a quiet day. A restless day.

The girl with the emerald eyes scrolled through her Tumblr feed, eyes on the verge of closing every other second simply out of boredom. Although, every time a picture of a couple or a damn love quote popped up her stomach made a backflip. Irritatingly enough. The girl bit her lip at every single one of those pictures, quietly telling herself to stop thinking that forbidden thought. What if´s had become a dreamscape for the young woman and telling herself over and over again ‘Lexa don´t’ had stopped working. Each time her stomach flipped all she wanted to do was look up and settle her thumping hearts desire.

Still, she couldn't allow herself to lift her gaze, to watch what she craves to lay her eyes upon.

It's the damn shirts fault. 

The red, black and white checkered one that the blonde ‘borrowed’ from Lexa´s closet many months earlier. It hugged the blonde's chest tightly and hung loose over her waist, several buttons were unbuttoned and Lexa could easily distinguish the swells of the girl´s breasts in the cleavage. It had taken her less than five minutes to notice every button, every curve covered by jeans and even the hint of citrus in the girl´s hair when they met that morning. It took one embrace and a fleeting conversation on the way to first period. Not more than ten minutes at the blonde had taken over all of Lexa´s senses. 

It had starting to get pathetic. That behaviour that is.

Lexa knew this and fought it with all that she had.

Although the blonde made it increasingly harder to ignore it. It was the simplest, most innocent gestures and words that got to Lexa the worst. A recurrent saying that the blonde used, the one that she used like a greeting made the most damage. ‘My Lexa’, that was what Lexa had a hard time getting over. Probably because it was one the blonde had used since they were children and since then it had changed meaning. Also because she could never get herself to the point of calling the blonde ‘her Clarke’ because of obvious reasons, at least they were obvious for her.

She deliberately tried zone out, yet another attempt at distracting herself.

“What do you think, Lex?”.

“What am I supposed to think anything about?”, the green eyed girl answered, her gaze still firmly focused at her phone. When she didn't look up, Clarke gently nudged Lexa's foot with her own. Lexa's eyes were immediately drawn to those blue wonders.

A small smile played in the corner of the blondes mouth. “Are we going that party this Friday together?, she repeated.

_Together_. That was a dangerous word, one that the blonde used ever too often and each time it stirred up all the fussy emotions harboured deep in Lexa's core.

“Sure”, Lexa answered, eyes quickly moving on to meet the third girl´s eyes, Raven’s, her heart beating hard in her chest. “Who's throwing it anyway?”.

“Bellamy Blake”, Raven answered with a slight tone of annoyance in her voice.

“As in the college guy you slept with last summer?”, Lexa questioned with a quirked brow.

Raven only hummed quietly and fidgeted with the sleeve of her moss green jacket. Lexa knew better than to assume that she was ashamed, probably just bothered. She would have been too. Raven was known to be a party girl, like Lexa herself and Clarke nonetheless, but partying with the guy she used as a rebound was probably the last thing she had planned on. Lexa figured that she would have passed on Blake had she known that, but desperate emotions call for desperate actions. Sleeping with Bellamy Blake was definitely a desperate action, Yet another Lexa could understand, wholeheartedly. 

“Blake”, Clarke contemplated out loud, tasting the name on the tip of her tongue with a frown visible between her brows as she searched her mind for that name. Lexa looked over at her when the blonde fell silent. Raven averted her eyes, a blush creeping down her neck and had either of the girl´s noticed it they would have known that something was something about that name.

“Are you having a seizure”, Lexa mocked at Clarke's facial expression. 

“Little sister”, the blonde suddenly exclaimed, gaze shooting up to Raven’s still averted eyes. “Octavia _fucking_ Blake”

“No way”, Lexa laughed quietly as she slid back in her seat, the butterflies in her stomach completely stunned by this revelation.

“Guys-”, Raven tried but Clarke return to her seat between the other two girls, angled towards Raven with a smirk smeared across her face, shutting the other girl up without a word.

“You little cradle robber. You're crushing on his baby sister”.

“Sophomore year”, Raven reminded Clarke with a twinkle in her eye.

Lexa held her breath, involuntarily, as she was momentarily thrown back to the beginning of sophomore year. It had been a rather uneventful day, Lexa had yet to start dating Costia and was in between partners at the time. Clarke had skipped lunch to get an extra workout in, claiming that she rather burn carbs then eat them that close to tryouts. It was bullishit, Lexa and Raven both knew it but decided to let it go. Beaches of this the two girls were quite surprised when they showed up to their Psychology class with the rest of their classmates to find the blonde it the midst of making out with a junior. With Niylah Greene. The discovery stung a bit, but Lexa made sure that the blonde never knew about it.

Clarke huffed in response. “That was nothing”.

“That's not what you said back then”, Lexa reminded the blonde and Clarke shrugged her shoulders. “If I remember correctly, which I do, you were mortified”.

“We were babies, of course I was mortified, I'm not anymore. You should know that”, she countered, referencing the many times Lexa had had a first row seat to Clarke's successful seducing of whomever she fancied at the time. Clarke adds onto her answer with her eyes firmly fixed on Raven, “ _and_ Niylah was only one year older than me. Octavia though, she's a baby and you're not”. Nailing Raven to the wall with her stare only got her a smirk from the dark haired girl. 

“She was actually moved up, mind you”.

Clarke threw her hands up in a gesture of giving up. Leaning back as she snickered, leaning back _on_ Lexa. The contact pulled a smile to the green eyed girl's lips and she positioned herself so that the blonde could get comfortable.

“Doesn't change the fact that she's sixteen”, Lexa added to Clarke's statement. 

Raven huffed, lips quirked up and eyes wide with happiness. Lexa had missed that lazy smile, it had been missing for quite some time - since she broke up with her longtime boyfriend Finn Collins. It had been a little under a year since Raven sent her two best friends that text explaining in few words why she was taking the coming day off, which they all ended up doing, and not more than a month later Finn tried to chat Clarke up. That night didn't end too great, for Finn. So it was welcomed news when Raven hinted that she'd found someone that could hold her interstate for more than a handful of conversations.

“Alright. Can we move on now?”, Raven asked, cheeks taking on a red shade.

“You're flustered”, Lexa teased.

“Fuck you Woods”.

“Wrong girl Reyes”, she said with a wink, Clarke laughing as she wiped her head around to fire off a deadly smile towards the girl with emerald eyes. “Class is about to start”, Lexa said and Clarke frowned.

“The bell-”, she started but was interrupted by the sound informing them that classes would begin in ten minutes.

“Ding dong”, the other girls sung in unison as the bell rang.

Clarke scoffed and got up from her seat, she retrieved her books from under the bench and hugged them tight to her side. “You're fucking weird”, she told her friends as she began to walk down the hallway with the two others following closely behind. 

Lexa had a hard time letting go of the memory of Niylah and the blonde, an aching darkness began eating at her heart as they made their way down the hall. Hopefully an hour with AP Calculus would distract her thoughts from the image of the blond´s puckered lips attached to that older girl´s neck.

“See you later, cradle robber”, Clarke teased as she playfully smacked Raven across her bum with her books.

“Sure thing, honey boo”, came Raven´s response, to which Clarke answered by blowing a kiss her way. Raven winked at the blonde before pointing a finger towards Lexa. “Keep an eye on her, Casanova, I've got a feeling that she'll get in trouble”.

Lexa only nodded with a smile as they parted, Raven being the odd one out of the girls by taking AP Physics, and she quickly fell into walking besides Clarke. The didn't make it far before the blonde nudged Lexa's shoulder, pulling those emerald eyes to herself.

“You alright?”, Clarke asked quietly, putting a confused frown over Lexa´s face. “You zoned out earlier”.

“I always do that”.

“And I always ask”, the blonde quickly returned. Lexa hummed quietly, trying desperately not to read into the innocent care the blonde held for her. Clarke then nudged her shoulder once again.

“I'm fine”. It wasn't a lie, just not the truth, which Clarke could hear from a mile away. Lexa sighed as the blonde fixed her penetrating blue stare into her, attaching herself onto Lexa´s very soul. “I miss Cos”, she then said, which was closer to a lie than her previous answer, although it wasn't really a lie, only the proportion of it.

“Have you talked to her at all?”.

“Not since she left for New York”.

The blonde tugged at Lexa´s arm, forcing her to once again meet those blue wonders.

“ _Talk_ to her”.

With a sigh the green eyed girl answered, “I will”, and in the moment it did sound like a good idea. Only, and Lexa knew this deep down, that talking to her ex couldn't do anything to help her. At least not with them being apart.

Clarke hooked her arm with Lexa´s, a giddy smile growing on her lips.

“So, Friday is a go right?”.

“When have I ever said no to a party”, Lexa answered with sarcasm shading her voice. The blonde only rolled her eyes and Lexa felt the tug at the corner of her own mouth. “Should I pick you up?”.

“Yes. That actually reminds me that I got something to show you”, said the blonde, her blue eyes narrowing in that mischievous way Lexa could detect immediately.

“´Show me’?”, Lexa questioned.

“Yep”.

“Well can't you show me now?”.

“Nope. You'll just have to wait and see”, came the blonde´s answer and Lexa hitched her brow in her direction. Clarke smiled bright and happy, smacking her lips before leaning in close to Lexa´s ear. “Those who wait”, she teased with a whisper.

Her childish answer should have irritated the green eyed girl, possibly even made her push the other girl off. It didn´t. Especially when Clarke hugged Lexa closer to her side, making it absolutely impossible for Lexa to not feel the warmth from underneath the thin fabric of the shirt covering the blonde's upper body. 

As they got closer and closer to the main hallway the hall got more crowded, forcing the two girls to separate as a bunch of freshmen rushed through the hall to get to the right classroom. Only, Clarke was quick to connect them again, this time by taking Lexa´s hand in her own. It was a firm grip and Lexa couldn't ignore the flush of emotion it caused.


	2. Friday - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre party on Friday night

Lexa stood in front of the mirror. She had been looking at her own reflection for quite a while, taking notice of every shade and curve whether it had been enhanced or not. She wasn't foolish - she could see the appeal. She was medium height, fairly muscular, she had a strong jaw and piercing eyes. She was very well aware of her effect on people, especially when she put her mind to affecting them. It was the mystery in her that often drew girls in, but it was the kindness and humility that they fell for. The two later being aspects of her personality that she couldn't really turn off, even though it would have saved a handful of broken hearts. She wasn't proud of it, although she tried not to blame herself since she was honest about not being interested in the long run.

Her reflection was hard. Cold. Dark. The black fabric of that sleeveless shirt hugged her breasts just the right way and showed off that grand pattern of flowers she got tattooed a few months earlier. It was a gift from Costia. A last distraction. Her eyes were painted hard with black eyeliner and maroon eye shadow. Light and bright had never been her thing.

She could see the flash of the mobile screen in the mirror and knew instinctively that it was Clarke calling, probably to get her to hurry up and come get her. Patience wasn't one of the blonde's traits. Lexa took one last glance of her outfit in the mirror, a second to gather her senses, before she stepped over to the bed to retrieve her phone.

“Alexandria Woods you better be in your car”, came Clarke´s voice through the device, confirming that it was the blonde was in a hurry.

“Would it hurt you to say ´hey Lexa, what are you doing´?”.

Clarke sighed heavily. “Hey”, she then said and put a smile over Lexa´s lips.

“Good girl”.

Clarke scoffed on the other line and the sound made Lexa´s lips twitch. “Are you on your way?”, the blonde then asked with a softer voice.

Lexa made sure to turn off the light as she left her room, then every other light she walked passed on her way to the front door. The house was empty besides for her and would most definitely be until she returned. It wasn't uncommon. All through Lexa´s upbringing had the house stood more empty than not. That was just how things were. She locked the door carefully. The night is chilly but welcomed, Lexa sure needed some time to cool off before getting comfortable with the blonde and the state she would most definitely be i within the next few hours. 

“I´m getting into the car right now”, she informed the blonde as she got into her black Ranger and then closed the car door.

“Great!”, came Clarke´s reply, which was quickly followed by, “could you hurry up?”.

“Why so rushed, Clarke”, Lexa laughed.

“Because”.

Lexa huffed as she started the car, the AC immediately turning her whole body into a shiver. She could feel the goose bumps all over her arms and legs. 

“Then you should have taken your own car”.

“Don't be silly, I'm getting drunk tonight so you have to be my driver”, Clarke answered and Lexa couldn't help but roll her eyes.

“Ha funny”, she said. “I'll be there in ten”.

“Put me on speaker”.

Lexa did as she was asked and placed her phone on the dashboard in front of her. She pulled out of the driveway to the sound of Clarke singing in the background. The green eyed girl couldn't distinguish which song it was, but the mere sound of the blonde's voice was good enough for her. It was _beautiful_.

“How´s Raven getting there by the way? Are we picking her up?”.

Clarke´s singing stopped and Lexa glanced down at her phone to see that they were still connected to the call.

“No, she´s already there”, the blonde told her and Lexa was left smiling.

“I think I need some time to wrap my head around this”, she said, knowing that Clarke would understand her without spelling anything out.

“You and me both, babe”. Lexa drew for air, her chest once again feeling tight and strained. The blonde didn't mean, didn´t know, what using that word did to Lexa. Nor was Lexa ever going to let it be known. “I'm happy she's happy”, the blonde continued.

“Yeah, me too”, Lexa forced herself to answer.

The rest of the drive remained quiet. Ii was nice. They would do this every now and then. During the summers they used to just drive around, with and without Raven, and it could be quiet. It didn't really matter to either of them if they talked or not, what they wanted was to just be and be with each other. This after some time proved to be easiest while driving around. That, them having created this space of comfort and safety just for them, was something that Lexa feared would crack if she would ever let on how she actually felt for the blonde.

“I´m here”, the green eyed girl said and broke the silence as she pulled up to the house. She glanced up towards the second floor where one of the rooms was lit up.

“Come up”.

“Clarke I´m not in the mood for games”, Lexa replied, her knuckles flashing white as she grabbed the wheel. She would have much rather just gotten to the party already and had a drink, or three.

“I´m not playing. Just get up here”, the blonde told her

Lexa glanced back up to that lit up room, in which the other girl was waiting. Her stomach hummed silently as she exhaled. She thought that maybe she could handle a few minutes, just a moment more, until she would cave. A moment. That is what she promised herself was all she'd give as she turned off the engine.

“Fine”.

She didn't wait for a reply, only ended the call and got out of her car before she could change her mind.

Stepping into the Griffin household was like stepping into a dream, warm and familiar. Lexa had always liked it best there, in the safety of people that were constant and gentle. Calling that house a second home would be under exaggerating. Clarke and her whole family had always been Lexa´s family too, which made this her home. There wasn't a moment in Lexa´s life spent in this house that hadn´t made an impression on her, more good than bad too. She could hear music playing from the middle floor and through it she could hear the sound of someone walking around. She made her way up there, taking her time as she did so, but was pulled to a jerking stop as she stepped onto the second floor. The door to the blonde's room had been left on ajar and through the small opening Lexa could see the figure of the blonde laying on her stomach across her bed. Clad in a black, eye catching dress accompanied by red high heels she had her eyes fixed at her computer at the foot on the bed.

The sight made Lexa´s body ache with wanting. It also made her incredibly ashamed of herself, mainly for taking that moment to watch someone that wasn't hers. Although Clarke could certainly argue later that night that she was in fact Lexa´s girl. Just not in the way needed for the green eyed girl to not feel bad about her carvings.

“Are you coming up or what?!”, Clarke yelled, clearly unknowing of Lexa´s presence, her voice carried through the house like a song, a melody that set off Lexa´s heart into a panic. It was the blonde's suspect behaviour that made her nervous.

“You don't have to yell”, Lexa answered with a soft voice and pushed through the door.

Those blue eyes looked up at her and the beating heart in Lexa´s chest stopped. She was stunned by the blonde's looks, how that even was possible after all the years she had spent watching her grow into this beautiful and mesmerizing woman. That was that she was. Completely and utterly mesmerizing. The blue shined with happiness, which quickly spread to her lips and Lexa felt her own mirror that goofy smile.

“Hi”.

“You look great”, Lexa caved, more so into her own craving than complementing the other girl. The flush through her body didn't bother her too much. Not like this anyway. Not tonight.

“Nothing compared to you”, Clarke replied and Lexa´s heart sung to those words. “ _Casanova_ ”.

The nickname pulled a scoff from Lexa. She might had grown used to that nickname by then, but it still made her nose crinkle in dislike. When her friends first started using it back in sophomore year when she really started dating to the extent that she did it did bother her. Especially since they didn't understand why she was so content to do what she did. Although, she could understand the humour in it, at least for them. She wasn't too happy though with being associated to a man who preyed on weak and manipulatable woman.

They joked around with the fact that Costia might have been the one to break the bad cycle of her going through girls quicker than the rising and setting sun. When things ended with her they didn't use that nickname for quite a while, despite the fact that the green eyed girl went straight back to the habit of dating one girl after another. Perhaps they saw that as a coping mechanism, as it was just not in the way the thought.

“Are we going?”

Clarke didn't answer, at least not with words, instead she patted the spot next to her as she sat up. Lexa didn't hesitate and sat down next to the blonde, quite eager to find out what all the fuzz was about. The blonde interlocked their hands, lacing her fingers with Lexa´s with gentle movements. Lexa was taken aback by the blonde and the silence than fell over them, her gaze darted down to their hands where those blue eyes had stayed. Without a word the blonde turned Lexa´s hand over, pressed it lightly to her own knee and unlaced their fingers. As the blonde began to trace the lines of Lexa´s palm the green eyed girl started to grow worried, this is quite out of the ordinary behaviour for the blonde. She had always been intimate and gentle, but it was the silence and unsettledness in the air that bothered the other girl.

“Clarke”. The name rung through Lexa´s body like a prayer and she swallowed back the urge to reach out and touch the blonde's cheek. “What´s going on?”, she asked, on the verge of demanding an explanation to this behaviour.

She got a sigh in return, heavy and deep it rolled off the blonde's lips. Lexa ached more and more to lock eyes with hose blue wonders, to search through them to find an answer, but the girl denied her that wish by keeping her gaze firmly fixed at Lexa´s open palm.

“I don't want it to end”.

She could resist it anymore and reached out. With the pad of her thumb she brushed over the blonde's cheek, wishing quietly but yet so loudly within herself that the other girl would look up. 

“What will end?”, she asked.

“This”, the blonde answered. “Us”, she clarified and then let out a deep breath.

“Clarke-”, Lexa started but was silenced by those blue eyes as they finally looked back up to meet her green ones. She grabbed a hold of the other girl´s hand and squeezed it tightly. “Talk to me”, she insisted, or more like begged.

“Graduation is in a few months and after that we´re gone. You're off to New York, I´m going to Boston and Raven´s planning on taking a year abroad”, the blonde explained and Lexa could detect the hurt in her words.

“We've talked about this since we were kids, Clarke”.

“I know, but I… I don't want to lose you girls”, Clarke answered, her eyes now wandering off, far away from Lexa and their joined hands. “I can't lose _you_ ”.

The green eyed girl scoffed. “You wouldn´t even if you tried”.

“It´s not a joke, Lex”.

“I understand”, Lexa then said, her stomach still flipping after what the blonde just said. She squeezed the blonde's hand gently. “You'll never lose me, I promise”.

Those blue eyes returned to look into Lexa´s green ones. No matter how hard it was for Lexa to hold back and simply _not_ tell the other girl what she felt for her in that moment, it was harder to watch the pain and anxiety in the blue of her eyes. Clarke surged forward, pulling the green eyed girl into her embrace. It was a hard one. A loving one. And Lexa barely acknowledged the fact that her fingers itch with want to touch the blonde in all the wrong ways, to do anything and everything to distract her from the sadness that had fallen over her. 

“Alright, enough of this”, Clarke laughed and leaned back, her hand coming up to catch a tear dancing down her cheek. “I said I had something I wanted to show you”.

The blonde got up from the bed and walked over to the closet, she dug around for a bit until she stood back up straight. A goofy smile had under that time found its way to her lips and Lexa was relieved to see it. With a small box in her hands Clarke return to sit by the green eyed girl´s side. She took a moment, her thumb simply gracing over the lid before she removed it. From the box Clarke took out an intricate bracelet, it looked like it was designed as tree trunks swirling around each other with flowers shooting out from the trunks. It was beautiful.

“Wow”. That was all Lexa could manage as she took in the jewellery.

“Niylah sent it”.

With those three words something cracked inside of the green eyed girl. “She did?”, she questioned.

“Yeah, we've been texting a lot the last few weeks. She sent this as a Christmas gift”, Clarke explained with a soft smile spreading across her lips.

It caused fire to ignite in the green eyed girl´s chest. 

“I didn't know you´ve been talking to her”.

“It wasn't anything serious, just… fun”. Lexa bit her lip. Hard. She saw the signs, however small they were - Clarke liked her. It wasn't breaking news, Lexa was aware of the fact that the blonde had been infatuated with Niylah, but after the older girl graduated she didn't think much about it. Niylah was as far away as Costia, neither of them affected their lives. Until now. “She's planning on coming back for a semester”, Clarke continued and Lexa cleared her throat as she got up from the bed, suddenly very restless.

“Really?”.

“Yeah”, the blonde answered with the touch of a smile at the corner of her mouth. The kind of smile that set off an avalanche of emotions in Lexa´s already fragile core. The kind that meant that she was starting to fall, quickly and rough. The blonde shook her head and got up from the bed too, those blue eyes of hers met Lexa´s green ones. The blue was glowing with happiness and it made the green eyed girl´s throat tighten. “Anyway, I wanted to show you because it's so cute, but now we really got to go”, Clarke said and brushed past Lexa, snatching her leather jacket from the hook next to the wall on the way.

The green eyed girl had to close her eyes and focus on breathing, but in that particular moment her lungs had lost their taste for air.


	3. Friday - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa meets a potential distraction

As they were approaching the house Lexa could sense the slight knot in her stomach take form. She looking over at the blonde, her best friend, the only person in the world that held the power to break her apart and put her back together. She didn't really think about it at the time, hadn't since that night back in late freshman year, still her body remembered. The blonde didn't know at the time, would probably never either, she didn't know about the memories or the cause of them. At the first party they attended Lexa witnessed the blonde play on her best traits - she captivated the whole room, especially one boy who wouldn't stop staring at her in all the wrong ways. Wrong ways for _Lexa_ , yet the only way the blondes wanted to be looked at that night. The panic and fear hit the green eyed girl all at once, so she did what any other teenage do in the situation of wanting desperately to get attention from the person you love - she gave herself to somebody else.

It wasn't perfect. Nor horrible. Although, not memorable.

Lexa looked at Clarke and felt every emotion. All the doubt. Panic. Terror. _Love_. All of the emotions that harboured within her chest, always on the verge of exploding. She looked at those blonde curls, blue ocean eyes and saw the woman a small girl grown up to be. She saw all of what she was and would be. There was something in her that knew, knew that that night would end up being one of those she'd never forget.

Clarke lead the way to the door once they arrived and the warmth from inside reached them immediately as she opened the door. The house was crowded, the air smoky and Lexa could already tell she´d have a handful with the blonde later on.

“I´ll get us some drinks”, the blonde yelled over the thumping music and squeezed Lexa´s hand before disappearing into the crowd.

The green eyed girl took a second to look around, which meant trying to look over all the heads and perhaps find Raven somewhere among all the people she didn't recognize. The atmosphere was thumping, loud and vibrating. Although she can´t find either of her friends she feels lighter, ready even to waste away another night and try to replace the panic with temporary joy. Lexa pushed through the crowd until she got into the living room, there she found an empty armrest and sat down. Her green eyes scanned the room once again for the girls, or really anyone that she might have seen before, but to her surprise she didn't recognize anyone. Because of the company she kept and the pace she went through them Lexa had made herself contacts in all circles, not to mention gotten herself some beyond high school age. It was quite enjoyable, she thought, not to recognize anyone or have to put on a act for someone that she might have known once upon a time. 

“Do you smoke?”.

It took the green eyed girl to realize that the question had been directed at her. Once she did she looked over at a woman with sun kissed skin and deep brown eyes.

“Only when I want to forget”, Lexa told her and earned herself a smirk from the unknown woman.

“Interesting”, the woman murmured and offering Lexa the pack of cigarettes. Lexa eyed the woman, slowly, taking her time to notice the slightest touch of eyeliner around those deep eyes, the necklace barely noticeable under the collar of her blazer. She had to be a college student, Lexa thought, that knot in her stomach slowly fading to the back of her mind. She had a purpose for this night thanks to this woman. Those green eyes of her return to meet brown ones, and she accepted the packet. “So, what are we forgetting?”, the woman asked as Lexa picked out the lighter from the packet and lit her cigarette.

She took a deep inhale and breathed out the smoke with her chest burning, “For now? Everything”.

The smoke tasted tary, made the younger girl´s chest tighten for a moment before her lungs tried to clean themselves with air. She really didn't smoke much, never liked the taste or the feel of it, but on the other side it had never made her feel sick to her stomach. Not like other, less deadly, things did. 

The woman noded and puckered her lips around her own cigarett. Lexa watched her take a puff as well and then breathe it out just like another breath. The deep brown of her eyes drew Lexa in and she found herself staring at the other woman in that moment of silence.

“I´m Luna”.

Lexa opened her mouth to answer when she felt a pair of arms sneaking around her neck.

“So here's where you´re hiding, Lex”, a voice said and Lexa didn't need another second to figure out who the arms belonged to. Clarke. The green eyed woman saw those brown eyes flicker up above Lexa´s head, most definitely to land firmly on the blonde who pressed close onto Lexa´s side. Only, they quickly returned to Lexa´s green gaze and a small smile fell over those lips before Luna took another puff. “Sorry, did I interrupt anything?”, the blonde asked and stepped around, making it possible for Lexa to actually talk to her face to face.

Lexa cleared her throat, taking that second to hide the cigarette in her other hand from the other girl. If there was anything in this world that the blonde could go off it was smoking, even more so if she caught lexa doing it. The green eyed girl had learned that lesson the hard way.

“Clarke this is Luna”, Lexa then introduced the woman by her side.

“Hi”.

“Nice to meet you”, Luna answered, fleetingly taking her eyes off the green eyed girl, but quickly returned to meet that piercing gaze once again. 

“Do you know Blake?”, Clarke asked, voice pitchy and fake, and her words cut into Lexa like knives. Why, she didn´t understand. Nor did she understand why the blonde sounded like she did. 

It was so _different_. Although, Luna didn't seem to spare much attention to it or Clarke at all for that matter.

“Not really, but he´s known for throwing crazy parties so-”, she answered and paused, Lexa watched her wet her lips and then fire off deadly smile. If it wasn't obvious yet this sure made it clear - she wanted her and Lexa had far from any problems with being wanted. “I might as well know him”, Luna continued and shot the blonde a quick look.

“Mhm”, Lexa could hear Clarke scoff above her head.

“How about you?”, the college girl asked, with the question directed at Lexa.

“Our friend does”.

“Whom I haven't found yet. Help me look?”. The blonde placed a hand on top of Lexa´s shoulder and squeezed down gently, pulling those green eyes to herself. Lexa nodded quietly, not too sure of what to say or not, to either of the women in front of her.

“Don't go too far, _Lexa_ ”, Luna spoke as the two friends left.

As if on queue the blonde laced her fingers together with the green eyed girl´s, tugging at her arm as she walked forcfully out of the living room. Lexa could feel the heat flowing through her body, whether it was caused by Clarke´s touch or the insination in Luna´s behaviour and words she couldn't tell. Perhaps she was just content with feeling it at that point, of knowing that she was wanted. By Clarke because she was preditorial. By the older girl because, well, Lexa could only imagine why and every scenario flashing by her eyes was exactable if it meant that she wouldn't have to go through the rest of the night alone.

“Unbelievable”, Clarke mumbled as she pulled the other girl into the hallway.

Lexa, still being caught up in her thoughts, thoughts of hands, arms, hips and lips, was jerked back to reality. “Hmm?”.

“That girl”, the blonde answered causing the green eyed girl to frown in confusion. “She´s too much”.

With a roll of her eyes Lexa released her hand from the other girl´s and spoke, “oh come on, Clarke, give it a rest”.

“What she is! She looked like she wanted to eat you up”.

“I wouldn't mind her trying- ow!”, the green eyed girl shouted and rubbed her arm where Clarke had slapped her, not that it really hurt but she wasn't expecting it.

“You're sick”, the blonde told Lexa and pointed her finger at her.

“You´re telling me”, she mumbled. When the blonde gave her a stern look all Lexa did was nudge the blonde's shoulder and stare back at her with her big puppy eyes. The blonde sighed and hooked her arm with Lexa´s.

If only, the green eyed thought quietly. It was dangerous to think like that. If´s and what´s were forbidden, yet they snuck past her guard and then she stood there, thinking, _hoping_ for a miracle. She reveled in the feeling of having the blonde girl close to her, skin on skin, only if it was mere arms touching, and she was happy for that short moment.

Clarke lead them into the kitchen which was less crowded now than earlier. She stopped by the counter next to the sink and poured herself a drink. Lexa didn't bother to tell her to take it easy, considering how much vodka she poured in her cup telling her wouldn't do any good. If there was one thing Lexa had learned about the blonde by her side it was that she didn't appreciate being told what to do, hadn´t since they were very young.

Had Lexa known better she would have left at that point, but that wasn't the case.

In the corner of her eye she could see two girls approaching them. Once she turned towards them the wording lines sound her mouth were exchanged for a bright smile. Raven smiled as well and blushed ever so lightly. Not enough for the dark haired girl by her side to notice.

“Lexa, Clarke”, Raven greeted them and made the blonde spin around, her lips still on the cup in her hand. “This is Octavia Blake”, she said and gets red to the girl by her side.

The younger girl fired off a bright smile, one that filled up her whole face and eyes. “Hi”.

“Well the other Blake”, Clarke hummed, more or less for herself as far as Lexa comprehended. The blonde then stepped forward to embrace the younger girl. “I'm Clarke”, she said and the black haired girl looked surprised for a moment before accepting the embrace.

“And you're Lexa Woods right?”, the younger one asked as they broke the apart.

Lexa raised an eyebrow at the question, or rather the smirk on Raven’s lips. “Has Raven told you anything?”.

Octavia shrugged her shoulders, her lips pulling up into a smiling smirk as the girl beside her. “Only that I'm lucky you like older women”.

Clarke laughed, her whole body convulsing in laughter, her arm bumping against Lexa's. The green eyed girl only licked her lips and turned her gaze to her friend, whose smirk had spread to her deep brown eyes.

“Oh really”.

Raven pressed her lips together in that familiar way that told Lexa that she was fighting of a laughter of her own. Clarke regained her senses by Lexa's side, but stood now much closer, causing Lexa's heart to jump. “What? It's true. You are lucky”, Raven said and pulled the green eyed girl's attention to herself again. Only now those brown eyes were preoccupied with a pair of similar colour. The exchange between the girls in front of her made her stomach ache. Terribly. It was nothing else than innocent, innocent but _mutual_.

“She's right”.

Lexa flipped her head around at the sound of the blonde's voice.

“Excuse you”, she laughed, taken aback for a second.

Clarke only nudged her shoulder and the two of them turned back to their friend and her new interest. Raven was completely enamored by the younger girl. Her eyes shined with happiness and she radiated love. Both of them were.

It was poisonous. Watching them that is. It set off one wave of emotions after another, leaving Lexa´s breath shallow and her hands restless. She thought that she was weak, getting weaker by the day as far as she was concerned and it bother her to the point which she didn't struggled to decline a round of shots. If she had to be there for a while she might as well get a moment of fun and carelessness. Although, alcohol never had the ability to distract her. Morso it enhanced what she tried so desperately to forget, so she would need to find something else to drown her emotions and thoughts in.


	4. Friday - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets herself occupied with something else than Clarke for a moment or two

Three hours later and Lexa had a lump in her throat. Her eyes were glued to the blonde, whose body moved effortlessly to the music. The swaying of her hips had Lexa feeling faint. The air was heavy with smoke and sweat. Much like the other times the green eyed girl had agreed to be the designated driver for the night she felt an increasing need to settle her thirst, to dim the light, to drown in _someone_. She had long since gotten rid of shame and regret, none of it bothered her the morning after as long as she had successfully distracted herself. And in that particular moment, as the blonde let her own hands follow the curves of her body, Lexa wanted someone to make her lungs scream for air. At least that way she would have not felt like actually screaming.

It all took a worse turn when the blonde danced up to a guy, the same guy that had been eyeing her for the last ten minutes. The green eyed girl didn´t need a warning - she already knew what would happen next and it made her stomach turn.

It wasn't much of a decision, more of an escape, when she spun around and went out through the first door she could find. The chilly air met her as she stepped out, causing a cold shiver to run along her spine. Her eyes closed immediately and she took in the feeling of her skin cooling down, how every inch of her body stopped vibrating and her nerves settled. It was intoxicating - the illusion of being free of _her_ , because in that insignificant moment Lexa truly was free. She knew better than to hope for it to be more than fleeting, after all she had been stuck in that imaginary prison of hers for years.

“It's hot in there isn´t it?”.

Those emerald green eyes of Lexa´s snapped open, they took in the woman standing a few feet in front of her. Luna. The older woman was leaning against the deck railing, Lexa could barely make out her features in careful light from the windows but she could see the burning cigarette between Luna's fingers and how she flicked it against her thumb every other second. The smirk on those intriguing lips though was far from careful and Lexa´s chest immediately felt lighter.

“Sure is”, she answered and walks over to the other woman, whose eyes followed every step she took.

Lex couldn't quite put her finger on it, all she knew was that the woman in front of her made the tightness around her heart ease. She couldn't figure it out, nor was she interested in doing so in that particular moment. 

The two looked at each other, green met brown. Lexa saw the desire within the deep colour of the older woman´s gaze, how it intensified and then how Luna bit her lips.

“So I got to ask”, she said and Lexa leaned against the deck railing. “That girl, Cl-”, Luna started and waved with her hand once she couldn't remember the name.

“Clarke”, Lexa filled in.

“Yeah her. Are you two dating?”.

Lexa was left stifled by the questioned. She blinked, twice. Her breath caught deep down in her chest. She stumbled over her answer as she came to her senses, “wh- what?”.

“She was very protective of you back there”, the older woman explained and took a drag.

Lexa shook her head. “Oh that, that's just how she is”. Luna hummed at that and offered her the cigarette. The smoke was bitter and suffocating when it filled up Lexa´s lungs, she could drown in that feeling alone if she let it consume her. “We're best friends”, she said, as if that would have explained anything at all.

“So she wouldn't get pissed if I kissed you right now?”.

“No”. Lexa eyed the other woman, slowly, taking her time to _really_ look at her. She was beautiful. Mysterious. Attractive. She was _exactly_ what Lexa needed. With a subtle move she dropped the cigarette and took one small step forward, she wet her lips and dropped her voice down to a whisper. ”But I will if you don´t”.

Luna smirked, big and irritating. Although, she did get the point and met Lexa halfway. With one hand coming up to cup the younger one's cheek she pulled their bodies close together. The kiss was soft and gentle. _Too_ gentle. Lexa pushed forward just enough to reciprocate the kiss, to test the waters and when Luna met her once more she tilted her head to deepen the kiss.

Luna hummed, causing the hair on the back of the green eyed girl´s neck to stand, but then she pulled back, leaving Lexa chasing her lips.

“Can I get you drink?”, the older asked, lips brushing over the other girl´s.

Lexa shook her head, breath hot and heavy, fingers tingling with the want to tangling themselves in that thick brown hair of Luna´s. “I'm driving”.

“Ah” .

They looked at each other and Lexa gave into the urge and surged forward, one hand coming up to cup the other girl´s neck and pull her close. Her other hand quickly hooked itself to the roots of Luna´s hair and with it she could pull ever so gently to steer Luna in any direction she wanted. They battled for dominance and Lexa came out on top shoving Luna up against the railing. She tasted of smoke and alcohol, both of which Lexa imagined she would. However, she didn't expect the other girl to taste sweet in the sense that felt good and safe. Like it was good for her, like the sweetness of something her body had longed for, something she had been deprived of. Perhaps it was just the night and the level of which she need to be distracted. Perhaps she was so consumed by the light already so that the only way to dim it was to give it all, to let everything be felt in that moment when their lips meet. 

Whatever it was, it was good.

The grunt slipping past Lexa´s lips when the older scratched at her scalp let on how much she needed that, to be pushed and pulled, to be challenged for power and air. The latter something that Lexa´s lungs end up screaming for, so she moved her mouth down the girl´s neck and latched onto the sensitive skin there. She was rewarded with a careful moan, which only spurred her on so she let her hands travel down to the girl´s hips.

The green eyed girl was taken by surprise when she felt a sharp pain shooting from her shoulder. It took a second for her to understand what it was - teeth. Luna squeezed her arm and with it kissed the spot on her shoulder she had bit. Lexa tried to for words, _anything_ other than simply sounds, but when those full lips moved closer to her pulse point she lost all ability to speak.

The older woman clearly wasn't one to give up dominance easily.

With another moan rolling off of Lexa´s lips and she pulled the older girl´s head back up to meet her own, their mouths crashed together, desperately. She tasted _so_ good. Lexa´s hands moved in under the older woman´s blouse and gently teased the warm skin until a tremble meet her lips. _That_ tasted even sweeter. They were forced apart by the sound of glass shattering and they both practically jumped at the sound, the cause of the interruption happened to be a broken window not far from where they were standing. That in itself didn´t bother Lexa, not as much as being jerked back to the reality she tried to forget for a moment. As if that wasn´t enough, Lexa could feel something starting to vibrate against her thigh and the confused expression on Luna´s face wasn´t much of an explanation. It hit them both a moment later and Lexa licked her lips as she stepped back, giving the other woman enough space to get her ringing phone out of her pocket.

Luna pulled back some hair that hung down over her face, thanks to the green eyed girl´s rough handling earlier. “Shit, I got to take this”, she huffed.

“Okay”, Lexa exhaled and felt the lust that only moments ago burned in her veins beginning to die down.

“Hey, give me your phone”, the older said and extended her hand. Lexa did as she was asked and watched the other woman enter something with quick fingers. Once she handed it back she did so with a smirk filling up those kiss bruised lips. “Call me sometime, alright?”.

Lexa nodded and watched her walk away, only hearing her voice when she took the call. Her lungs ached, now in more of a pleasurable way than before. Still, the erupt end to their meeting had left her somewhat breathless, thoughtless, frozen even. So she leaned back against the railing, her heart thumping hard and fast, with the taste of Luna´s lipstick and desire on the tip of her tongue.

“You okay?”, came a voice from the dark and Lexa jumped off the railing.

“Shit”, she exclaimed and watched as Clarke stepped out into the small light coming from the windows of the house. “You scared the crap out of me”.

“Sorry”, the blonde said and offered her a small smile.

Lexa immediately felt uncomfortable and scratched at her neck. “Yeah I´m okay”, she answered and tried to not stare at the blonde as she moved over to the railing. She stopped when she stood beside Lexa, close enough for the green eyed girl to distinguish all the different shades of blonde hair on the other girl´s head.

Clarke looked up at the sky, allowing Lexa the chance to take her in fully and in her entirety. She seemed off. It was something with the way she hung with her shoulders. Or the way she avoided Lexa´s gaze. Whatever it was, Lexa couldn´t bring herself to ask what it was because of the fear of asking too much. Or telling too much if she actually opened her mouth.

“Was she good?”.

The green eyed girl was jerked back to reality once again. “What?”.

Clarke looked up, eyes piercing through Lexa´s. “You got a hickey right-”, she started and leaned in closer, her fingertips brushing over the skin of Lexa´s neck. “Here”, she said and pressed more firmly with to digits against the green eyed girl’s skin.

Lexa swallowed hard, not completely trusting herself to talk, but she couldn´t keep quiet for long. “Since when do you want to hear about the girls I´m with?”, she dared to ask.

She regretted it as soon as Clarke´s eyes flickered down to where her fingers still lingered. She waited for the blonde to say something, waited and held her breath. Clarke said nothing, for minutes and then stepped back, leaving Lexa´s skin to burn like it had been set on fire by the blonde's gentle touch. Lexa watched her, watched every movement and every look.

“I don´t”.

That was all Clarke said. Her voice calm and her gaze far from Lexa´s. With those two words she turned completely and went back the way she came. The green eyed girl still watched her, not entirely sure of what had just happened. Not sure if she should let her think any longer in the fear of driving herself crazy. She followed though, suddenly able to move herself. Once they returned inside Lexa watched as the blonde went straight for the kitchen and took three shots in a row. She didn't know what to think about it or Clarke´s weird behaviour over the last couple of hours. 

All she understood was that the night was far from over.


	5. Saturday - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa takes care of Clarke
> 
> OBS! I´m not kidding with those tags

More often than not, this was what a night out ended up like - with Clarke passed out on the couch and Lexa debating whether she would live to regret that night or not. Although, she didn't mind taking care of the blonde, it was the fact that Clarke seemed to disregard everything and make sure she ended up like that. They had talked about it many times, Lexa had _tried_ to talk about it, but every time the subject of the blonde's behaviour came up she put up a wall. Normally the green eyed girl could get around that, although not that. After all the years of turning to substitutes for distraction Lexa knew what desperation look like, even when it didn't have a face, she could detect the smallest of changes, particularly in her best friend. Which was why she had continued to try and understand where the blonde's lack of care for herself came from. In all other aspects of life Clarke took extremely good care of herself and made sure others did so as well, but all of that would evaporate once they had a night out.

Lexa could wrap her mind around it and her gut hinted that she wouldn't want to do so.

With a sigh the green eyed girl took another step into the living room, those eyes fixed at least the blonde laid sloppily over the couch partly on her stomach. Even like that, drunk and miserable, she was the most beautiful thing Lexa had ever laid eyes on. When Raven came over to stand next to her, eyes too fixed at the blonde, Lexa didn't bother to look away. Too tired to hide the emotion burning in her gaze. Or just aware of the fact that her features were hard to see in that dimmed light.

“Do you want some help with her?”, the other girl asked and Lexa shook her head slowly.

“It´s okay. I got it”. She could feel the tiger girl shifting and once she looked over to her a dark brown gaze meet her. It was the way Raven looked at her that made her cheeks flash ever so slightly. Instead of commenting on it, the brown eyed girl only turned her attention back to the blonde. They stood there for a while, until Raven nudged her shoulder and went back the way she came.

Sometimes Lexa got the impression that the brown eyed girl knew. Perhaps not the full extent, but enough to understand that bringing it up to the surface would only cause pain. “Hey Raven”, she called after the other girl who stopped in her tracks and turned around. “I like her”.

Octavia had truly made a good impression and Lexa could see why her friend had fallen for her.

“I do too”, Raven admitted while blushing. The brown eyed girl waved her goodbye, leaving Lexa once more with the blonde still passed out on the couch.

Love is weakness, she reminded herself. Loving _her_ was asking for misery.

Lexa wandered over to the couch, careful not to step on any cups or empty bottles. Once she stood by the blonde's side she could feel her heart; how it beat a little harder. It caused her cheeks to flush red and in that moment she didn't care too much about it considering the fact that no one was around and the other girl was totally out of it. Lexa laid her hands on the blonde's back and carefully shook her. There was no reaction, so she pulled away the blonde curls covering that scrunched up face of her best friend and shook her once more.

“Fuck off”, the blonde mumbled with a breath heavy with alcohol.

Lexa laughed quietly while hooking her arms under the blonde's arms. “You're living up to your party animal reputation”. With a little struggle she got the blonde to let herself be lifted, she grunted of course, but Lexa didn't bother with it as she lifted the other girl of the couch and then instructed her to lean her weight on her.

She made haste way for the car, very well aware of the fact that the blonde was going to fall back asleep the moment they stopped for more than seconds on their way out. She was right because as soon as she had helped Clarke into the car, whom mumbled something about not being _that_ drunk, the blonde fell right back asleep.

The car ride back to the Griffin household was quiet and Lexa even dared to look over at the sleeping girl in her passenger seat. For a second or two she convinced herself that it was enough. That their friendship was enough even though her heart wanted more. She would simply have to teach her heart _not_ to feel for _her_. At least not in the way it did.

She pulled the car into parking at the street outside the Clarke's house like she had earlier that night. Only this time with her heart thumping in a melody she needed to cease and the taste of another woman's kiss on her lips. She shut of the engine and waited for the blonde to wake up, even though the possibility of that happening was slim. Perhaps what she really wanted was to pause reality for a little longer than what was considered healthy in Lexa's book.

When the blonde didn't seem to wake up, several minutes after they'd stopped, Lexa leaned over to the passenger seat and shook her awake once more.

“What?”, Clarke asked as she peered out from under heavy eyelids

“We're home”. It was so easy for Lexa to say it and it almost demolished the pain that shot through her body when she didn't allow herself to reach out and brush back a lock of blonde hair that has fallen down over the girl´s face in the process of sitting back up properly.

It took them a good ten minutes to get inside the house; with Clarke supporting herself on Lexa every step of the way. Lexa stopped right inside the door, one foot still out of Italy and her heart singing loudly in her chest.

“I should go”, she said, _argued_ with her own desire to stay and make sure the blonde got into bed safely.

Clarke's head jerked up where she was sitting on the stars trying to get her shoes of. “Can't you stay?”, she asked with a hoarse voice.

“Clarke-”.

“It's goddamn four in the morning”, the blonde interrupted and Lexa sighed. It was late and she would have rather stayed than driven back to an empty house all by herself.

She bit her lip and let her heart sing a little louder, just enough for her to give in to the possibility of not going. Even though she knew deep down that leaving was the right choice by her.

“Do you want me to stay?”, she asked and Clarke huffed.

“Yes, fool”.

Lexa didn't want to go home to an empty house. She didn't want to leave _Clarke_ alone in one too.

So she nodded and locked the front door. She told herself that it was a good thing, that staying was something good and the wouldn't necessarily regret it in the morning. Clarke got herself up from her place at the stairs and lead the way to her bedroom.

“I need to get out of this”, Clarke huffed as started to undress right there in the middle of the room with the green eyed girl three feet behind her. The blonde was far from shy and especially around her best friend, still the green eyed girl could feel the flush creeping up her neck at the sight of Clarke´s naked back and so she averted her eyes. “Take whatever to sleep in”.

Lexa mumbled a quick, “thanks”, and quickly turned to the blonde’s dresser to get something to do. She fumbled around in the first drawer to distract herself from the embarrassing desire to turn around. To just get another glimpse of what she could not have. She could hear Clarke move around in the room and then how she slumped into the bed, only then could Lexa bring herself to undress herself.

“Did you see that girl again?”, Clarke asked and gave the green eyed girl something else to distract herself with.

“Her name is Luna. And no, she had to leave early”, she answered. She caught the reflection of Clarke lying in bed in the mirror, causing her chest to flood with light. Her eyes automatically averted themselves from staring at the blonde even though she was quite certain that the other girl was too drunk to notice anything. Something hit her. Something that she hadn't let herself listen to in a long while. So she added, “I doubt she'll remember me though”, as if to settle the need of saying something without saying anything of value.

Clarke laughed, drawing Lexa´s attention back to herself and this time Lexa stood right in front of her. Their eyes meet and a small smile touched upon the blonde's lips as she exhaled. That smile lingered and Lexa could feel the light consumed her heart.

“No one could ever forget you”, the blonde said and the made Lexa blush.

A silence fell over them. The green eyed girl got into bed as well and the silence made the sound of her heartbeat seem ear deafening. Her muscles buzzed. Her skin burned. An uncertainty picked at her mind as she thought back on the night and with every passing minute that uncertainty grew stronger. Louder. Bigger. Until she forced herself to cut of herself midst thought process to focus on the quiet. At least by doing that she wasn't allowing herself to gather seeds of hope.

Lexa had always been that kind of person that went with her gut feeling and trusted her instincts, through her whole life up until that night she had never had a reason to doubt that she'd sense what was right to do. Up until that night, when her whole body seemed numbed off and her instincts distant. She listened out in the dark for the girl beside her, unable to let go and find sleep. She didn't see it coming, didn´t _feel_ it coming, and it hit her like an avalanche.

Clarke broke the silence with three words, words whispered with the hint of a slur to her voice and Lexa´s chest cramped up.

“I love you”. She had heard those three words coming from the blonde girl´s lips many times, often laughed when they were bent over crying with laughter or with a bitter tone when they had been fighting. It was so simple. Not unknown. Still, it was the beam of light that awoke at the sound of those three words that left Lexa breathless. She had always trusted her gut and this was everything she had hoped for, dreamed of, feared to the point of crying herself to death. She could hear the sheets crumbling when the blonde turned on her side of the bed and then feel a warm hand sneak in under them to lay over her stomach. “I really love you, Lexa”, Clarke said with a much clearer voice and moved closer.

Lexa´s breath was caught somewhere in her chest, unable to break free and give her release. Her heart thumped hard and fast while she listened to the blonde's breaths that seemed to get louder and louder. They weren´t. Instead they were coming closer and closer until she could feel the blonde breathing against her neck. Close. So _close_.

It hurt.

The green eyed girl was hurting out of fear and happiness. Her hands were frozen, but shook with the desire to move. Her whole existence was concentrated to that bed and within the reach of the girl next to her. The air that had been trapped in her lungs were ripped right out of her when the blonde sat up. Even in the dark Lexa could see the deep and mesmerizing colour of those blue wonders. Clarke was quiet and watched her for a moment, her hand still placed firmly on top Lexa´s stomach. Then, without a word, that same hand travelled up to the green eyed girl´s chest. Her fingers brushed over Lexa´s sternum, stilled over her drumming heart and then traced the outline of her throat. Lexa exhaled slowly, her head spinning because of oxygen deprivation and too many thoughts. Dangerous thoughts.

It was too much.

However innocent Clarke touch remained, it didn't take much to set of any and every emotion in the green eyed girl´s body. Once the blonde had her hand on Lexa´s cheek the green eyed girl was on the verge of an out of body experience. Clarke was an affectionate person, far from shy to show it whenever and however she wanted. It was a part of her charm and the cause of Lexa´s constant aching for a _real_ touch.

What happened next threw her off guard. Totally and earth shattering so.

One moment Clarke was cupping Lexa´s cheek and the next their lips were pressed together. The kiss was gentle and soft. The blonde tasted sweet and strongly of alcohol. It took everything in Lexa not to push back, to take advantage of the situation and deepen the kiss. The thought passed through Lexa´s mind and she considered it, for a split second, but before she had a chance to make a decision the blonde leaned back and broke their connection. The green eyed girl´s lips burned, her cheek the same way once Clarke removed her hand.

The blonde kept her eyes on the other girl, fixing her to that still position and the room went quiet once again, but only for a moment.

“And you love me, don't you?”, Clarke questioned and Lexa licked her lips as discreetly as she possibly could, her mouth beyond dry and her tongue tied.

When she opened her mouth to answer she had to hold back a soul shattering sob. “You know I do”, she said and then bit her lip so hard she could feel herself puncturing the skin.

The blonde let out a deep sigh and laid back down, now with her head on Lexa´s chest and one arm around the green eyed girl´s waist. Lexa held her breath, too scared that if she let air fill her lungs she would in return fill the room with a cry.

  
It didn't take long before Clarke fell asleep, hugging more tightly to Lexa´s paralyzed body as she did so. Lexa didn´t find sleep, only darkness and the brightest of lights. Her chest was tight and her heart thumped as hard as it could, probably too scared that if it gave in for a moment it´d stop all together. She didn´t find sleep, but sleep found her and the tears kept running down her cheeks through the whole night.


	6. Saturday - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and it all comes trembling down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how the story ends... for now, I might return to it, I might not. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, all of it has been greatly appreciated. Hope you can deal with the ending, if not let me know and well... Let´s just leave it at that. Enjoy! - Em

“Shit”, Clarke mumbled at the green eyed girl´s side. The sound of that hoarse voice made Lexa open her eyes that had been glued together with dried up tears. “My head is pounding”, the blonde exclaimed and threw the covers off of her body. Lexa quickly closed her eyes again, both not to see and so that the other girl wouldn´t discover her bloodshot eyes. She didn´t know what was worse; letting on how distraught she was or how her eyes were drawn to the skin where the blonde´s shirt had scrunched up over her hip. Only when the green eyed girl could feel the bed shift as the blonde sat up on her side could she allow herself to rub the sleep out of her eyes. Or rather the salt and mascara from the night before.

Lexa cursed herself for being weak. For letting herself get into this situation _and_ this state.

“What happened last night?”, the blonde asked as she got up.

Lexa could feel her heart jump high in her chest. All while her stomach twisted uncomfortably. “You don´t remember?”. Only now did the green eyed girl let herself really look at the other girl.

Clarke had stepped away from the bed and was leaning against the wall beside the window. Her legs were bare. Her blonde hair messy. Lexa´s eyes took it all in, all of _her_ , and the beauty radiating off of her.

She was beautiful.

Wrecked, but still oh so very beautiful.

“No, not really”, Clarke answered and reached up to tame her hair back from her face, scrunching up her nose at the effort of moving her muscles. “I must have gotten really hammered”, she continued. Lexa watched her quietly from her place in the bed, unable to not noticed the way the sunshine made the blonde´s face look softer, younger and how the tired blue colour of her eyes seemed to glow in direct sunlight. She was caught in that moment by blue wonders and her heart stopped, almost as if it was convinced that she wasn´t worth of looking upon such beauty. “I did something, didn´t I?”, Clarke asked softly.

“You were your normal drunk self”, Lexa said and tried to say it jokingly, but every word tasted like acid on her tongue.

“But I did something”, Clarke argued. The way she persisted made Lexa question if she really didn't remember anything at all. “I can see it on your face, Lexa”. The girl with the emerald green gaze hesitated, her hands rubbing together in hiding below the sheets and her heart thumping hard against its cage. “Just tell me”.

“You might have kissed someone”. Clarke furrowed her forehead in thought, but remained quiet. Lexa swore quietly at herself, realizing now that it was true - she didn't remember. “It's okay if you don´t remember”, she added and got up from the bed, feeling the urge or more like _desperate_ need to get out of there.

To get away from _her_.

“Was it anyone in particular?”.

She was frozen. Completely and utterly frozen. The question rang through her bones, causing her whole body to buzz. With sadness. With hope. With annoyingly bright _light_.

“No”. She had answered too quickly, quick enough for it to be suspicious and she noticed that the blonde had heard it too. “I don't even know who it was, you only told me afterwards and like you said you were hammered, I could barely make sense of what you said”, Lexa added to cover up what she could of her rushed answer.

The blonde kept her gaze fixed at the green eyed girl, only hummed quietly at the answer she was given, leaving Lexa believing that she had messed up. Really messed up this time.

Then, the blonde shook her shoulders and turned around to ace the window again.

“Couldn't have been anyone memorable then or else I would have remembered”.

Something broke within Lexa. Whatever it was it crumbled and killed the light in her chest.

“Right”, she said and put on a fake smile. It was practically a reflex by that point, however the tears prickling at her eyes weren´t.

“Do you want breakfast? I can whip up some pancakes?”, the blonde asked with a cheery tone to her voice and let her blue eyes find Lexa´s brown ones again. She looked happy again. Like everything was right in the world. Like nothing was wrong.

“I should go”.

The blonde looked disappointed, but at the same time far from surprised. “Okay”, she said and stepped around the bed until the two girls stood face to face. She put her arms around the green eyes girl and pulled her into a tight embrace. “Thanks for always being here for me”, she whispered against the crook of Lexa´s neck.

Every word luring tears up to the surface.

Lexa couldn't bring herself to answer.

Wouldn’t let herself do anything other than getting out of that house within one breath.

The drive back home would forever remain a blur. A blackout in her otherwise clear memory. Perhaps it was a defence mechanism for what happened next.

As soon as Lexa set her foot in the door to her own home her wall crumbled into dust and she filled the empty space between those four walls with tears. She covered her mouth to strangle the cry that ripped through her throat. Her knees caved in and left her sliding down against the front door until she sat on the cold stone floor. She could smell _her_ on the clothes she was wearing and on her own skin, her whole being had been infiltrated by _her_ scent and presence.

Just like her whole word, all she could feel, hear, smell, _love_ was _her_.

It was too much. Too close. She needed a distraction, one greater than any she had had in months and she needed it _immediately_.

Her phone warned her of a low battery level as soon as she unlocked it. She didn´t need much time, only a handful of words to fit into a short conversation and then she´d get going. All she needed was that voice and the comfort it gave her for the time she needed to get out of there. The green eyed girl’s fingers tapped in the number like that was all they had ever done her whole life and she hunched up her legs until they were under her chin as she listened to the call dialling.

All she needed was to get away. To find something other to focus on. _Someone_ that could keep her focused.

 _”Lexa? Hi. I wasn't expecting your call. How are you?”_.

A sob rolled of her lips before she had time to stop it and it set of a wave of emotions in her body. She knew that she wouldn't find salvation through throwing herself at someone else, but she could damn well try and drown everything she felt in someone who needed her as much as she needed them.

“I need you, Cos”.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com


End file.
